How Much Should We Help Our Adult Children Financially?

You can probably find a million different opinions on this subject.  However, recently this topic became front and center in my life.  What lengths should we go to help or otherwise financially assist our children on the road to adulthood and beyond? 

Since I’m a Dave Ramsey follower, his advice always comes to mind.  His opinion is that you help to a point, and assuming that you’ve raised them to be responsible for their actions, they will spread their wings and fly and take control of their own lives at the right time.  He always says that if you continue to enable bad behavior, you’re going to have an unemployed 30-year-old living in your basement playing video games.  I completely agree with that statement.  We shouldn’t enable or continue to fund bad choices. 

For a good chunk of my son’s life, I was a single mom.  Other than child support, I had zero emotional support raising him. There was no one I could bounce ideas off of or turn to when I needed a second opinion.  I was keenly aware that I had a tremendous responsibility on my shoulders and made conscious decisions every day to raise a kind-hearted, responsible person that would carry those traits into adulthood.  And, for the most part, I succeeded.  However, as all of us have experienced, life can throw us curve balls and how you choose to handle those curve balls really determines how you move through your life.  Personally, I was always very resilient and got back up, dusted myself off, and kept moving forward.  That’s not to say I didn’t spend time feeling sorry for myself. However, not all of us have that capability.  Some of us wallow in our disappointments and defeats.  Some of us take those setbacks as crushing blows especially if it seems life just never relents. 

Let’s face it, our kids are our world.  At least they are for me.  We don’t stop being a parent when they turn 18.  Our heart hurts for them as they experience their first heart ache or disappointment.  But, how much you choose to get involved in those disappointments, really sets the tone of your relationship between adult child and parent.  Although we can be empathetic to their troubles, we cannot shield them from life nor should we.  Disappointment, heartache, and setbacks are part of growing up. 

What happens when their setbacks are due to bad decisions or choices?  What happens when their bad decisions lead to financial instability?  That’s tough.  I think most parents who are financially able to help will.  But for how long?  What if the patterns continue to happen?  That is the fine line between helping and enabling.  At some point, there has to be a limit and then they sink or swim.  That’s the way it has to be.  You don’t want to continue to enable bad behavior which is what Dave alludes to in his statement about a 30-year-old living in your basement.

In our house, we paid for the out-of-pocket schooling costs for our children.  I think that’s also a personal decision and one that a parent is not required to do.  However, we chose to do it, and we did so happily.  They also received scholarships and grants that helped cover the costs.  They all worked through college as well.  As long as they were doing their part and getting good grades, we saw no harm in helping. 

For us, the troubles started after college.  Navigating adult life was hard.  Then when you add addiction or mental illness into the mix, it’s tough.  I could write a whole other blog on that subject.  I suggest anyone experiencing those issues with a child or someone close to them really look into counseling or Al Anon meetings to help.  Some of us aren’t prepared to deal with that very rocky road and it helps to establish healthy boundaries.

Speaking of healthy boundaries, when do we decide to cut off financial help?  In my experience, I knew.  My gut told me.  But that may not be the case for you.  I highly suggest speaking to a third party with no association with your situation.  That could be a counselor, a pastor, or a financial advisor or any other person whose advice you trust. We have helped our kids on occasion, but I can tell you that they felt terrible asking us for money.  If you feel like you’re being used, it’s probably past time to stop.  Thankfully, I’ve been able to set budgets with my kids and help them to stay on one.  I think that’s the best way to help really.  I started this young with them, but that doesn’t mean they can’t start later.  I’d encourage them to read The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey or begin listening to his podcasts. 

My son had a very difficult situation with roommate where the police were involved, so yes, I helped cover part of his rent for a few months.  It was a matter of his personal safety.  I also let him know that he had so much time to find a new roommate and when the support would be cut off.  Needless to say, he found a new roommate before that deadline.  In the end, he was extremely grateful for the help, and he was able to get back on track.  To me, there was nothing wrong with helping for that short period of time.  The issue is the continued support and enabling of your adult children.

In closing, my advice would always be to provide them with the tools to help them out of a bad spot.  Be there to listen and be as non-judgmental as possible.  You want to serve in the role of advisor. I hate to say it, but you’re not your kid’s best friend.  They have similar aged peers for that.  If the subject of financial help comes up, then you’ll have to make the decision whether you think helping would be productive or enabling.  I don’t think helping a time or two is an issue but if the pattern continues to repeat, it’s time to reflect and reevaluate if you’re actually helping or just enabling.  Best of luck!